The 6 Things We Sucked At In Marriage

After 15 years of marriage, we had the opportunity to start fresh. If you’ve followed our story, this fresh new start came at an ugly and messy price. But we chose to fight and follow what we believed God wanted for our marriage. The evidence of God's desire for us to stay married was bigger than the evidence the enemy had against both of us to destroy us.

At the beginning of the journey of marriage recovery, it really felt like we had to build brick by brick and layer by layer. We knew it would take time but we didn’t realize how much. At times it felt THICK. The pain, anguish, sorrow we felt was hard to trek through. At the same time, we held onto God's plan for us. We held onto the hope knowing that one day we would be on the other side.

But there were a few things we both had to get good at to be able to do this. Admittedly, we were terrible at these things before. Honestly, we weren’t even aware of what we needed before everything happened.

It’s like when you’re sick and you have to go see a doctor to help diagnose and treat you. We became aware of how unhealthy our marriage was, so we went to God. The Holy Spirit not only can change your heart into something new, but in the process, we found our eyes to be opened to what we had not seen before (once was blind but now I see). Once we became aware, we were able to take the proper steps to heal.

So today we are sharing a few of the things we had to GET GOOD AT when we were healing and restoring our marriage to good health.

1. Listening

As we healed, there was a lot of deep and difficult conversation going on. We even went through a period of confession as we shared accounts on which we had been previously unfaithful in our marriage. This took a lot of listening and some questioning. We had to become good at hearing each other out and extending grace to everything we heard. We would lash out before, but this time around we had to give each other our hearts through just being great at listening and not reacting.

2. Embracing Change

When you are 15 years into marriage, you tend to get stubborn and not really into changing who you are. We both thought, “Well, this is just the way I am.” If our parents did it that way, then we were too because “well, that’s how I was raised.” But when you get married, you are called to establish your home with one another based on what God's principles are. Once we became aware of our need for change and each other’s needs, we had to become good at embracing change. This meant change in our attitude, mindset, and behaviors.

3. Giving First

In our old marriage, we always had the attitude that if she/he doesn’t give me what I need first, then I’m not taking initiative. Ever notice that we always want the other spouse to make the first move? So then we both ended up sitting back in our pride arms crossed waiting for the other to do something nice or give first. In our healing journey we quickly saw that we had missed out on the idea of serving one another throughout the marriage. When you have a heart to serve your spouse, you don’t mind taking initiative and giving first. We had to become good at giving a helping hand first, saying “I’m sorry” first, taking initiative in the bedroom first, complimenting first, etc. In the process of giving first, our hearts for one another grew and grew. This is also a great tool for anyone dealing with pride; give first.

4. Not Taking Offense

In the process of listening better, embracing change, and giving first, we had to learn to be better at not taking offense. In a world that lives in offense these days, that’s hard to do. Early on when we would share, there were times this was really hard for us. When your spouse is sharing what they need more from you, it’s easy to feel that offense rise up. It hurts our pride and our ego when you feel like you’re not good enough. However, it was in these times that we had to be good at not taking offense by really hearing our partner out and focusing on them in the conversation and not on ourselves. When you can shift focus from you and onto what they need in that moment and realize “it’s not about you,” the reaction of offense will become less and less.

5. Not Score Keeping

A common attitude in marriage can look like this, “Well, I took the trash out, spent all day cleaning, and took the kids a bath, what did you do?” We often score keep by thinking the other is simply “not doing enough”. We found that we were this way with one another, but it’s because we always viewed ourselves as “higher” and more “important” than the other. The underlying message of score keeping often says, “I’m better than you,” which is a form of self-righteousness. When you get to a place of good healthy communication by learning and understanding each other’s needs, you’ll start seeing the other as someone you can serve. Do it well.

6. Complaining Less

Let’s face it, we all are probably pretty good at complaining. There’s a lot to complain about. Our bodies aren’t in shape enough, we are achy, my spouse needs to lose weight, my house isn’t pretty enough, my kids don’t have enough, etc. When we were in recovery, we realized we needed to change this. Instead of complaining about our spouse, we complimented. Instead of complaining about our finances, we thanked God for his resources. Instead of complaining about our things/belongings, we had to learn to become grateful. It wasn’t until we became content with where we were in life that we learned to complain less. Complaining less takes a lot of will to change how we see things. We had to see God in everything. In the disagreements, in the madness of day-to-day life, in the process, in the timing, we embraced God and gave him thanks. Give thanks instead of complaints.

We are gonna leave you with this scripture(really take your time and read this)…..

“Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 AMP

Prayer for today: “God, we realize there are things we need to change, and we thank you for starting with our hearts. As we meditate on what it means to really love one another, help us change the things we need to. Help us to be patient, kind, forgiving, loving, and giving to one another today because that’s your heart towards us. Amen”

Be Blessed On the Journey,

Armando and Liz