When Anxiety Attacks Your Spouse

Philippians 4:4-7

4 Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, take pleasure in Him]; again I will say, rejoice! 5 Let your gentle spirit [your graciousness, unselfishness, mercy, tolerance, and patience] be known to all people. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious or worried about anything, but in everything [every circumstance and situation] by prayer and petition with thanksgiving, continue to make your [specific] requests known to God. 7 And the peace of God [that peace which reassures the heart, that peace] which transcends all understanding, [that peace which] stands guard over your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus [is yours].

We love this scripture that touches on giving God thanks always, being gentle to all people(especially our spouses) and praying about everything. How does this tie into anxiety?

Before we go into that, let's talk about some common sources of anxiety for couples: finances, family, future, and their children. In terms of family, maybe infidelity can provoke anxiety. You may fear that your family might be destroyed if infidelity happens. There may also be anxieties about health or the loss of family members(death). You may get anxiety about your kids having everything they need.

Financial concerns may arise for business owners, such as worries about the economy affecting sales or the potential collapse of their businesses. A spouse losing a job or facing demotion can bring about worries regarding bills and mortgages.

Regarding the future, some people may fear scarcity or worry about the life choices their children may make. They may also harbor concerns about the stability of their current circumstances in the long run. The list can get long.

I (Armando) can reflect on the night in 2020 when Liz told me the worst possible news. On her girls' night out, she blacked out and had a sexual encounter with a man I did not know. At the time, I didn't trust her or anyone. I was scared my marriage was really over and that my family would be torn apart. How was I going to run my business in the middle of my misery? This may sound stupid, but at that time when I felt like I had nothing else, all I knew to do was trust God.

I remember a particular Sunday morning when I woke up ready to just quit it all. It was too much to bear. We went to church anyway. When our pastor's wife got up to pray, she said, “Someone here wants to give up, God doesn't want you to.” I didn't go up for prayer because I felt prideful. So I went to the bathroom to cry. After church, I came face to face with Leah, our pastor's wife, and I knew right then I needed to ask her to pray for me. So she did. I felt the peace of God that passes all understanding, just like the scripture we share above.

I (Liz) can remember back on the days after that terrible time in our lives and can feel the sting of the anxiety and PTSD that haunted me. Like Armando, I felt like I had lost everything and just really had to TRUST IN GOD. I remember reading this scripture(ABOVE) about “Rejoicing always” and “Don't be anxious”; instead, we should “Pray about everything”. That was hard to do BUT I took that scripture literally and LITERALLY PRAYED ABOUT EVERYTHING. I took it all to the Lord in prayer.

I admire Armandos ability to shoulder so much and show little to no anxiety most of the time. I don't know how he does it because when I get anxious, I wear it on the edge of my sleeves. The emotions are too much for me to hide. Admittedly, I get anxious about a lot of things: money, our kids and their futures, my future, our home. You add hormones on top of that, and it's a recipe for disaster.

I’ve learned that there's so much importance as believers not only to read the word but study it and allow the word of God to change us. We always have to remind ourselves that we can't argue with the word of God as believers. We have to trust him. We have to remember him and all he's done. I remember this quote I read a long time ago,

“When you're anxious about the future, it's because you're imagining a future without God in it”

Mind-blowing. Im a future worry wart. So lately when I’m anxious, my conviction is… “Do I really trust God when I'm thinking this way”? You have to be honest with yourself and God and dig yourself out of the pit by remembering who He is.

While the following list of things won't help your spouse NEVER be anxious again, we believe they are great tools for navigating with them through anxiety.

Three ways to respond to your spouse when anxiety attacks:

1. Have them write down everything they’re anxious about. Then have them share it and you respond from a place of graciousness and understanding. This helps your spouse get down to the root of what's causing anxiety and allows them to clear their minds of the mind clutter. The other night Liz was so down in the dumps. She felt so much anxiety and despair and some of that was aimed at me. Before bed, she picked up her cell phone and typed all her angry and anxious thoughts out in her notes. She fell asleep, and the next morning after we did our devotional together, she shared her note with me.

2. Washing Them In the Word of God: Get rooted in the word. Study it because this is how even Jesus was able to stand against the devil when he was tempted in the wilderness. He responded with “It is written” each time. The bible is the SWORD that we fight with. Even if they have heard the same scriptures over and over again and it's the last thing they want to hear at the moment, it's still God's word that never passes away and never returns void. It's what we need to hear and what allows us to shift our minds back to the truth of his word. Proverbs 15:1

3. Take Them On An Adventure: Getting out and about and going someplace is sometimes the best way to change their environment and get them to see something new. When you see the same things over and over, it can drive a person mad. Changing their environment can help them change their perspective. These adventures can look like Planning the date. Picking the place. Going to the beach. Going on a hike/walk etc. Encourage them to do their favorite activity or hobby and just get them out of their element even just for an hour or two.

Again, we aren't making claims that these things will completely eliminate your spouse's anxiety; they are just things that have worked and still work for us as a couple. We believe that if both spouses are willing to fight and be consistent then you can overcome any obstacle including anxiety.

Action step: Make a commitment to your spouse that when they suffer a time of anxiety, you will be gracious, unselfish, merciful, tolerant, and patient with them. Philippians 4:5.

Pray this together: “Lord we get anxious sometimes. Help us to see what's making us anxious and give us the strength to lay it down at your feet. We know there's power in your word and through your spirit. Holy Spirit give us strength and peace during these times. Help us to remember you and help us to be there as a helping hand for one another just like you help us. Amen.”

Rooting for you!

Liz and Armando

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