What To Do If You Aren't Attracted To Your Spouse..

Do you find yourself drifting apart from your husband or wife?

Do you feel like you have just lost your overall attraction to them? You aren’t alone, and no, this particular issue is not grounds to divorce your spouse and find a new one. Sure, it can feel uncomfortable and difficult to go through this sort of "drift" in a marriage.

We were talking about this the other day casually in the car after we dropped off the kids. When a couple gets married, it’s only the beginning. You have a lifetime ahead of you. The fact of the matter is YOU WILL CHANGE. YOUR SPOUSE WILL CHANGE. You will age. Your weight will fluctuate. Your needs will change. Your desires will change. But it’s important to always be open to honest and transparent conversations with each other when it comes to this. Having an understanding that life ebbs and flows and there will be changes, is a good starting point.

Many times during this drift, we often look at our spouse and wonder what they could be doing better. We may look at them and wish they looked better. We may look at them and say something along the lines of “Well if they were doing THIS maybe I would do more of THAT”. It becomes a constant storm of little criticisms that over time drives a wedge between a couple. Then you stop trying. You stop being intentional. You stop pursuing each other. You stop respecting each other. And you lose the attraction to each other you once had.

But we are here to let you know THERE'S HOPE. There’s a chance for you and your spouse to DESIRE one another again. It takes TIME (time together), INTENTIONALITY, COMMITMENT (to them ONLY), AND FOCUS (Focus on the RIGHT things).

If you have come to a place like this in your marriage, we encourage you to begin to reflect on some things. Ask yourself (and the Holy Spirit) a few questions…

- Why do I feel this way now?

- Am I comparing my spouse to someone else?

- What can I focus on that can help me see my wife/husband in a new and better way?

- What can I do to make sure I’m stepping up to the plate every day to give them my best?

- What did I find attractive in them then that I can focus on today?

- What about them do I LOVE, and I can let them know I love?

- I don’t like their __________ (stomach, neck, hair, attitude, personality), but what if I learned why? What if I could encourage them in an area? What if I focused on their _______ instead because I really love that about them?

Some of the things we mentioned in our car discussion were how couples tend to just forget little things once they’re married. Things like…

- Smelling good for them

- Spending time with them

- Being GROOMED for them

- Not burping and farting in front of them

- Getting ready/dressed to impress them

- Brushing your teeth

ECT…

Consider these small but noticeable things in your marriage. You put your best foot forward when you courted them. Do it again. Remember what you FOCUS on gets BIGGER. If you’ve drifted and have lost attraction, begin to focus on the RIGHT things. Focus on the work ahead you are willing to both do together. Focus on the GOOD.

“Always be humble and gentle. Patiently put up with each other and love each other. Try your best to let God's Spirit keep your hearts united. Do this by living at peace.” Ephesians 4:2-3

ACTION STEP: Take a look at the list of questions and the list of practical things we discussed. What ONE thing can you start with? Discuss together. Stay the course.

Rooting for you,

Armando and Liz

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