Meeting Each Others Needs

We’ve all heard of the five love languages. Your spouse is either one of the five: touch, quality time, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service.

Back in the days when we first learned about this, we saw the books and dismissed them because, well, we had been married a while by then. We must have been doing something right if we were married for 10+ years already.

Then, when we needed to feel close, we’d be like, “Okay, let me give you a gift/physical touch (whatever it was) so you can be happy.” It became more checklist-y for us. There was no real depth.

Years later when we were healing our marriage, we did devotionals together almost every day. We went to marriage conferences and sought out as much wisdom in marriage as we could.

One of the things we discovered was that men and women both have basic needs, and while some are the same, they are very much different from one another too. We found that it was deeper and more intimate than the "5 love languages". It was a matter of tending to your spouse in every season with whatever they are going through. We had to become good at being selfless people.

Another thing we discovered..meeting the needs of your spouse requires one thing first… letting go of SELF. Self-absorption, the self-care craze, selfishness, self-development, etc. We have become so SELF-driven as a society.

Ephesians 5 is one of our favorite chapters to turn to in regards to the marriage relationship and how we should serve one another as we put each other first.

While conflicts and hardships will still arise in our lives, if we can remember to serve the needs of our spouses better, things just run better.

We grew in greater intimacy over time when we tended to one another’s needs, so today we will share them with you.

Basic needs of a wife:

• Security:

Women want to feel secure not just financially, but emotionally and physically too. If you, as the husband, can encourage her and lead her with your words and actions, a good sense of security will come.

• Safety:

This is more than just protection if a burglar enters your home. This can also mean she feels safe with her emotions, words, and body when she’s with her husband. Always go out of your way to make sure she will always be safe with you by loving her just like Christ loved the church enough to give his life for us (Ephesians 5:25). She should trust you with her heard, mind and emotions.

• Emotional and spiritual intimacy:

Women are emotional beings. However, if there’s no sense of safety and security in marriage, these emotions can go unseen and unheard. When you listen and care about what she shared , over time, the emotional intimacy will develop. As a husband, when you can pray for her and encourage her with the word of God, her need for spiritual intimacy will be fulfilled. Lead your family. Take them to church. Pray. Read your bible. We have discovered that when emotional and spiritual intimacy is nurtured for a wife, the physical intimacy is the BEST PAYOFF. 😊

Basic need of a man:

• Be Respected:

As the leader of your home, your husband wants to know that as he fulfills that role, he will be respected and honored. Allow him to grow into the man of God he is supposed to be. Let him LEAD. This is a great way of showing respect (Ephesians 5:23-24). Many times we have seen husbands completely shut down when they are constantly disrespected by their wives. Begin to see your husband as the man of God he CAN be. Are your actions and words honoring your husband (Ephesians 5:33)?

• Be Trusted:

Husbands want to be BELIEVED in. They want to know that you see that they have what it takes to provide for the family. When a husband feels trusted by his wife, there’s a sense of pride that will help him grow and keep going as he leads the family.

• Friendship:

In today's society, GIRL TRIPS, GIRLS NIGHT OUT, MOMS NIGHT OUT, BABES brunches have become normal, but we have seen that these occasions can become more important than genuine time with our husbands. Your husband wants to hang out with you. He wants to be your friend. He wants to share a laugh, eat and drink with you. He wants to be buds with you. Are you nurturing the friendship you have with your husband? This takes trust, respect, and time, but friendship with one another is precious.

• Sex:

Physical touch is big for a husband. This is not something to be ignored or withheld from one another. When both a husband and wife can work on closeness in the areas of emotional and spiritual intimacy, we have discovered that the physical intimacy follows naturally. Remember that GOD CREATED SEX for a husband and wife to enjoy oneness, intimacy, and pleasure together. If this is an issue for you in your marriage, ask yourself this, “Are we being naked together?” This means that I have been open, honest, and transparent with my spouse. Are you harboring bitterness? Are you avoiding conflict? Are you not talking through issues? When you can learn to be HOT (Honest/Open/Transparent) with one another, this type of ‘nakedness’ can work wonders in the bedroom.

Remember that these principles take time. We want to encourage you to keep going on your marriage journey. When you have tough days, stay the course. BE encouraged. BE confident. Stand by the word of God and his promise for you and your spouse and your family.

Prayer for today: “God, we want to grow in closeness with one another. Bless our marriage today. Help us to be HOT with each other. Give us your grace and mercy and help us to show that to each other. Give us the strength to be the husband and wife you called us to be today. Amen”.

Thanks for reading, we are rooting for you!

Armando and Liz